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Martins Diaries 2: Episode Five

Episode Five – Hospitalized 2

This is a continuation from Episode Four Hospitalized

Everybody stood up for the prayer and Kelvin and Isaac started winking at me.

He started singing a hymn.

Pastor Friyo: When peace like a river….It is well with my soul…

Baba, like seriously? Am I dead?

You and I know that here in Naija, that hymn is mostly sang in a burial ceremony.

Pastor Friyo: Shall we pray.

Noooooo!

Anyways, I don’t remember the prayer vividly, so I’ll tell you some sentences I recall.

PS: IJN means “In Jesus name”, peeps reps “everybody present” while fam means “family”. Shall we?

*****

Pastor Friyo: We thank you for saving to loss of his life..

Oga, what are you saying?

Pastor Friyo: May another wheelbarrow not fail to jam him, IJN.

Oga, why na?

Fam: Amen!

Pastor Friyo: Father your son is helplessly lying on the bed here…

Helplessly? I’m not helpless. I can move oh.

Pastor Friyo: …we pray that may you heal him incompletely…

Ehn! You say whaat?!

Pastor Friyo: The headache he is having, father heal him…

Wait oh. Headache? What headache? I’m not having any headache oh. Did I complain of any headache?… Ouch… Oh great, now I’m having headache.

Pastor Friyo: The body pain he is having, father may you not fail to intensity it, IJN.

Intensify gini? Oga, abeg I offend you?

Fam: Amen!

Pastor Friyo: You demon of Satan in him, I command you out…

Father lawd! Kuku kee me.

Oga, na accident I get oh. Nor be possession.

*****

As he prayed on, he involved those present.

Pastor Friyo: I gather the patients here before you by holy covenant.

Abeg oga, na initiation?

Pastor Friyo: Any thing that is needed in their lives, oh Lord, I cast and bind…

Oga, caster and binder, shey na broken leg you dey treat?

Pastor Friyo: Any obstacle of failure, I remove from their lives, IJN.

Wait a minute. If he is removing obstacles (things that prevent) of failure, that means he’s praying for more failure in their lives, innit?

Peeps: Amen.

Pastor Friyo: Anything that will hinder them from healing, I cast in their lives (instead of away), IJN.

Peeps: Amen!

Abeg, these people go school?

Pastor Friyo: Shall they never fail to encounter any accident in their lives, be it car, truck and trailer accidents, IJN.

Peeps: Amen.

What? I’ve not even finished experiencing wheelbarrow accident and he’s already booking trailer accidents for me? And what’s wrong with these people?

Pastor Friyo: …this do for us IJN we pray.

Everybody including the other patients and their visitors chorused “Amen”.

These people better do checkup oh.

*****

Naija peeps will never listen to the content of a prayer before they say Amen. They will say Amen to anything as long as it ends with IJN. Tomorrow, they’ll be wondering why they are still in the hospital bed. They wouldn’t know they’ve sealed their fate thanks to Amen.

Even Kelvin and Isaac of all people joined in saying it. I felt betrayed. It sucked to be on the receiver side of Pastor Friyo’s prayers.

Isaac: See person that they are praying for didn’t even say Amen.

WTF? Isaac!

Momsi: Say Amen.

Woman! And you say you are my mother?

Pastor Friyo: Don’t mind him. Don’t worry. Our Amen is more than enough.

Tufiakwa!

To be continued…

Until next week.
Toodles.



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