Episode Seven — The Robbery
Hiya, peeps. It’s been a while. As you can see from the title, we got robbed….
You see, last year momsi held us in the house. Since it was the last day of the year, momsi felt her house needed to cross over into 2020 sparkling neat.
You know how most Nigerian women get paranoid and overbearing when it comes to end of years. They enter this overdrive mode where they suddenly want to have everything in the house sparkling clean before we cross over to the New Year. Some even go as far as thrashing any leftover food in the fridge because they don’t want to carry over any old meal to the New Year.
Well our momsi wasn’t left out in this crossover ritual. In fact, if there was an official committee for it, she would probably be the president.
Anyway, she instructed all of us to stay put, have breakfast and rest till noon before beginning the bucket load of chores she had in store for all of us. Sweeping, dusting, removal of cobwebs, washing of curtains, etc. You know the gist. Trust me, we were least excited about it.
Bro Samson and Richie were lucky to be excluded. They had gone to Bayelsa the previous day to meet popsi and help him with some stuff before coming home together. They were probably still on their way back.
When it was time to commence, momsi called us to the sitting room. A few of us had come out when they stormed in. Three armed dudes.
Robber 1: Nobody move! All of you stay where you are.
They rallied all of us to the sitting room.
Robber 2: Now, all of you lie down!
You should see the way Pastor Friyo jumped to the ground instantly and laid down flat. The guy was the first to lie on the ground. The guy was just shaking like someone who had ice water poured on him. Pastor my foot.
These three morrafvckers not only wanted to rob us, they started agitating to rape aunt Rita and Juliet.
Momsi, aunt Rita and Juliet started crying and begging. We too tried to murmur some plea from the ground but pastor Friyo laid silently like a dead man. All I could hear was his shaky legs.
Robber 1: Shut up! Shut up!! Or I will shoot somebody now.
Robber 2: Shut up and face the ground!
They tried to drag them inside but both ladies struggled to resist.
Robber 1: If you both don’t follow us quietly, I will hit your head with this gun.
Just then, granny stood up. She couldn’t take it anymore. She was so pissed!!! I could catch a glimpse of her reddened eyes.
Grandma: This one is just too much!
Robber 3: Mama, lie down. Respect yourself and lie down there if you don’t want me to shoot you. I say lie down!
Someone should please hit this old woman. Where’s a stroke or heart attack when you need one?
Robber 1: Old woman, are you deaf? Lie down! (He cocked his gun). Are you mad!
WTF! See disrespect! If not for the guns…
Next thing, granny commot the wrapper wey she tie, and stood before them stark naked! Thank heavens we didn’t look.
Abeg granny, are you trying to seduce the robbers to also rape you?
Then, she picked up her wrapper, girdled it and she sat comfortably on the sofa.
Grandma: Now you people have seen my nakedness. And you know what happens when young boys like you see an elderly woman nakedness? If she curses you, it will surely affect you.
I don’t know if this is true oh. You know how Africans are with their superstitions.
Grandma: Now I’m going to place a curse on the three of you. You guys came to steal. Now, you want to rape them? Go ahead. You hear? Go and rape them. You you want to rape, not so? You will continue to rape till you die. You will rape only madwomen and animals until you die on top of madwoman.
Live New Year Chicken: Animals? You can start with me!
What!? It crowed just after that statement. What do you expect me to think?
Robber 2: Aaaaah!! Mama, it hasn’t gotten to that.
Grandma: You! (Robber 1) You don’t have single respect. You will die as you are leaving here. You won’t see 2020. Your family will not see your body to burry!
Robber 1: Ah! Ah! Mama, not so oo.
Grandma: I was former senior witch in my village. One boy stole my crayfish back then and denied it. I cursed him that he will steal crayfish all his life. Go to my village and ask. He is still stealing crayfish. No pastor can break the curse. His family is still begging me to lift it till now. I swear if this curse did not work on all of you, let me die! (She spat on the floor, near my face. Eeew!) If you think I’m lying. In fact, Martins stand up! Go and bring that charm under my bed. I want to cement this curse.
Me? Maka why? Na me you wan use take do scapegoat? I first talk am say this old woman don’t like me!
The three robbers nearly cried. Men! If you see the way they knelt down and started begging.
Robber 2: Please mama, please forgive us. This curse is too much.
Robber 1: Ah, Mama, mama forgive me ooo. From now I go respect you. I will even lick your feet.
Guy, don’t say what you cannot do ooo.
Grandma: You don’t want to rape them again? Take then inside oh.
Robber 3: Ah, no mama. We won’t rape them. Please mama.
Robber 1: Eeeeh, trouble oo. Please mama. Forgive us. We didn’t mean it.
Grandma: I can’t change my mind o. You came here, and made us to lie down on the ground.
Robber 2: Ah, mama, It’s not like that.
Robber 1: Why are you people lying down? Please, please, you people should leave the floor.
So we left the floor and sat down. Well, except pastor Friyo.
Robber 1: Please sir, sit down. Leave the floor.
Pastor Friyo: D-don’t worry. I’m okay like this.
Robber 3: Please you people should beg mama oh. Let her forgive us and lift the curse.
Me? Beg for them? I pray o! Mama, please curse them more. Curse their papa and mama sef. Curse their generation join. Una nova see something.
To be continued…