Episode Six — Hospitalized 3
One thing I love about being sick is the sweet mouth. You get any stuff you wanted, ice cream, fast food, any dish you wanted, (I could go on but you get the point) that you would want to be sick very long. Well I was enjoying my treat but I wouldn’t want you to salivate. I remembered when we used to fake illness….
Anyways by evening, the fam started to leave. Momsi went to see them off. She was to go later, after Brother Samson dropped them off and return for her.
I was gonna be alone in the hospital. Well I had that nurse Christabel…
“Here’s your medicine. Swallow it. Later I’ll give you your injection.”
I looked. It wasn’t nurse Christabel. This one was probably in her early 50’s, ugly, wrinkled and mean. Her hands were cold.
Me: Where’s nurse Christabel?
Nurse Esohe: You cannot greet? Or don’t you have manners?
What!? I be Moses? Manner kill you there!!
Me: (clenched teeth) Good evening ma.
Nurse Esohe: Keep your greeting to yourself.
WTF! Thunder fire you there!!
If she didn’t want to answer me, then why did she ask me to greet her? How rude!
When momsi returned…
Momsi: Do you need anything?
Me: Mum, where’s nurse Christabel?
Momsi: Her shift is over. She went with Richie.
Richie?! He still carried his ashawo spirit come here? Pastor Friyo will not see this one to cast demon out of oh.
Momsi: Nurse Esohe will be attending to you tonight.
Not that witch! Take me home!
Samson returned to take Momsi home.
Momsi: Give me your phone. (I reluctantly did.) OK. Goodnight.
Me: Wait, what? Mom my phone!
Momsi: No. If I leave this with you, you will end up browsing or chatting till midnight instead of sleeping.
Nor be lie sha.
So Momsi took my phone and left with it. I nearly cried.
So completely on my own, I resorted to go to sleep. It was very difficult. This wasn’t my room, this wasn’t my bed. On top of it, these patients seem to be doing rehearsals.
There was coughing.
There was snoring.
There was crying of babies.
There was even farting.
Chai! The smell of sick people mess nor be here oh! E even dey pepper person eyes. Na small thing remain I for lose my destiny.
I closed my eyes and tried to picture nurse Christabel on the beach with me. It was working, I was drifting to sleep.
Then I noticed a hand on my thigh, near my groan region. Unfortunately for the culprit, I had quick reflexes. I quickly sat up and slapped the culprit. Things started clearing up for me. There was no light (power supply). It turned out the person I slapped was nurse Esohe. She was holding a candle. Whatever. She deserved it, right? What would she want with me at the middle of the night?
By morning, momsi came with to visit me.
Momsi: Oh my God! What happened to your eyes!?
Well you didn’t think I’ll hit a typical wild naija Benin woman and get away with it, did you?
Just as things was getting clearer after I’d slapped her, she covered my eyes with a hot slap. Everything went back to pitch. It was as if someone quenched the candle light.
Naija women would always obey Newton’s third law of motion. “To every action, there is always an
equal and multiplied opposite reaction.”
Me: It’s nurse Esohe.
Momsi just vex look at the nurse.
That’s right witch. You’re in trouble.
Momsi: (shouting) Why did you hit his eyes? Do you want to blind him? Is this how you people maltreat patients here?
Nurse Esohe: He slapped me first, when I was trying to check on him. He didn’t even apologize.
Well there’s a high probability that I might have apologized, (OK let’s be realistic, maybe a 2% probability) if she hadn’t slapped me back immediately after I’d slapped.
Momsi: (turning to me) Martins, is that true?
Me: Em yes.
Momsi: Apologize to her.
Uh? You say what?
Momsi: I said apologize to her now!
Me: (angrily) Sorry.
Momsi: Sorry what?
Me: Sorry ma.
WTF is this! This is injustice!! Like dude, seriously, why can’t you be like a normal Nigerian mother who just fights with teachers and other people for beating up their child, no questions asked?
Not what I expected from momsi. She didn’t want anyone to think that she was a bad mother who didn’t teach her children good manners. I thought parents were supposed to protect their children? She chose to protect her motherhood instead of me.
I got discharged in the afternoon. I didn’t speak a word to momsi throughout that day, not that she cared.
Good riddance to that hag of a witch, nurse Esohe.
So you can imagine, I went to the hospital to treat wheel barrow accident, and I came out with blacked eyes.
Just like when you take your car to a mechanic to change wiper and come back with faulty carburetor.
Until next week.