Episode Three — The Robbery
Hiya, peeps. It’s Saturday already. Let me update you. Well, we got robbed.
You see, momsi held us in the house. Since it was the last weekend of the year, momsi felt her house needed to cross over sparkling neat. It’s a ritual of most naija women. Anyway, she instructed us to stay put and rest till noon before beginning the bulky chores she had prepared for each of us to perform. Bro Samson and Kelvin were lucky to be excluded. They had gone to Ekpoma the previous day to meet popsi and help him with some stuff before coming home together the following day for the holiday.
When it was time to commence, momsi called us to the sitting room. A few of us had come out when they stormed in. Three armed dudes. They were not smiling. Neither were we.
What?! We were scared to the marrow na! Can someone be smiling when scared?
Robber1: Nobody move! All of you stay where you are.
Robber2: Now, all of you lie down!
You should see the way Pastor Friyo jumped to the ground instantly and laid down flat. The guy was the first to lie on the ground. The guy was just shaking like someone who had ice poured on him. Pastor my foot.
These three goons not only wanted to rob us, they wanted to even ra-pe aunt Rita and Juliet. Momsi, Rita and Juliet started crying and begging. We too tried to murmur some plea from the ground but pastor Friyo laid silently like a dead man. All I could hear was his shaky legs.
Robber1: Shut up! Shut up!! Or I will shoot somebody now.
Robber2: Shut up and face the ground!
They held their hands and tried to drag them in but both ladies tried to resist.
Robber1: If you both don’t follow us quietly, I will hit your head with this gun.
Just then, granny stood up. She couldn’t take it anymore. She was so pissed!!! I could catch a glimpse of her reddened eyes.
Grandma: This one is just too much!
Robber1: Mama, lie down. Respect yourself and lie down there if you don’t want me to shoot you. I say lie down!
Robber1: Old woman, are you deaf? Lie down! (He cocked his gun). Are you mad!
WTF! See disrespect! If not for the guns…
Next thing granny had stripped! Thank heavens we didn’t look. I didn’t know if she was trying to seduce the robbers to ra-pe her as well. Well, she picked up her wrapper and girdled it. Then she sat comfortably on the sofa.
Grandma: Now the three of you have seen my nakedness. And you know what happens when young boys like you see an elderly woman nudity? If she curses you, it will surely affect you.
This may or may not be true. That’s, Naija’s tradition for you. I think it’s in the bible as well. Even when you didn’t see her nudity, an old woman curse has that power. But the nudity adds more fuel? Perhaps. I don’t know.
Grandma: Now I’m going to place a curse on the three of you. You guys came to steal. You even wanted the fowl. And top of it, you want to ra-pe them? Go ahead. You hear? Go and ra-pe them. You you want to ra-pe, right? You will continue to ra-pe till you die. You will ra-pe only madwomen and animals until you die on top of madwoman.
Xmas Fowl: Animals? You can start with me!
What!? It crowed just after that statement. What do you expect me to think?
Robber1: Aaaaah!! Mama, it hasn’t gotten to that.
Grandma: You! (Robber1) You don’t have single respect. You will die as you are leaving here. You won’t see 2020. Your family will not see your body to burry!
Robber1: Ah! Ah! Mama, not so oo.
Grandma: I was former senior witch in my village. One boy stole my crayfish back then and denied it. I cursed him that he will steal crayfish all his life. Go to my village and ask. He is still stealing crayfish. No pastor can break the curse. His family is even begging me to lift it. I swear if this curse did not work on all of you, let me die! (She spat on the floor, near my face. Eeew!) If you think I’m lying. In fact, Martins stand up! Go and bring that charm under my bed. I want to cement this curse.
Me? Maka why? You wan turn me to scapegoat? I first talk am say this old woman don’t like me! Someone should please hit this old woman. Where’s a stroke or heart attack when you need one?
The three robbers nearly cried. Men! If you see the way they knelt down and started begging.
Robber2: Please mama, please forgive us. This curse is too much.
Robber1: Ah, Mama, mama forgive me ooo. From now I go respect you. I will even lick your feet.
Guy, don’t say what you cannot do ooo.
Grandma: You don’t want to flex again? See them. Go and flex ooo.
Robber3: Ah, no mama. G forbid. We won’t ra-pe them. Please mama.
Robber1: Eeeeh, trouble oo. Please mama. Forgive us. We didn’t mean it.
Grandma: I can’t change my mind o. You came here, and made us to lie down on the ground.
Robber2: Ah, mama, It’s not like that.
Robber1: Why are you people lying down? Please you people should stand up oh. Sit on the chair if you wish. Please, please, you people should leave the floor.
So we left the floor and sat down. Well, except pastor Friyo.
Robber1: Please sir, sit down. Leave the floor.
Pastor Friyo: N-no. Don’t worry. I’m okay like this.
Robber3: Please you people should beg mama oh. Let her forgive us and lift the curse.
Me? Beg for them? I pray o! Mama, please curse them more. Curse their papa and mama sef.
Momsi: Please mama forgive them.
Robber2: Please mama! We are your children oh. Forgive us.
Grandma: G forbid! My children will never do this rubbish.
Robber1: Mama, please just tell us what we can do for you to forgive us.
Grandma: There’s nothing oh. Just do what you wanted to do because whether you do it or not, the curse will still affect you.
Momsi: Mama, please na. Just forgive them. Let them go.
Grandma: No way.
Robber3: Ah mama please. We’ll do anything.
Robber1: Yes mama. Anything.
Well she better not tell them to come and sleep with her oh.
Grandma: Fine. We were about to clean the whole house before you boys came in and have already wasted our time. So if you want me to remove the curse, you’ll have to do everything.
Robber2: We’ll do everything.
What? I love you Grandma!
They were guys of their words. They did all our chores. They did the dishes, swept the house, combed the cobwebs, mopped the floor, polished the furniture, ironed our clothes, made the beds, hand-washed all the dirty clothes and curtains, etc. And they did it fast and happily.
Robber1: (talking to momsi) Mama, this kitchen tap is leaking.
Momsi: Yes. I called the plumber and he said he travelled.
Robber3: Let me fix it.
Momsi: No need.
Robber3: I insist.
Momsi: Can you even fix it?
Robber3: Yes ma. I’m a plumber.
So momsi gave the guy money and the guy left. I thought he would not come back, but the guy came back, gave momsi her change and fixed the tap without charging for it. And yes, Robber1 treated the fowl f**k up. Not as the fowl had wanted sha. He killed and skinned the fowl and prepared it for cooling.
Xmas Fowl: No! no!! Don’t kill me. Ra-pe me instead. I don’t want to die a virgin. Somebody help!!!
By evening, they were done and did a perfect job. The house was fragrant and sparkling clean like never before.
Grandma: Good children. I’ve forgiven you. The curse will not follow you again. Don’t steal again oh.
Robber2: Yes mama. We won’t steal till we die.
Robber1 and Robber3: Yes mama.
Robber3: Mama, bless us too oh.
Grandma: Ok. Good things and favor will follow you. You will see 2020 and more years.
Robber1, Robber2 and Robber3: Amen! Thank you mama. We love you.
Yea, maybe I’ll fulfill that prayer by employing one of them in my future company as cleaners. What!? They’re professionals.
Anyway, momsi forced 20k into their hands and they thanked her and wished us happy new year in advance. Rita and Juliet even hugged them goodbye.
Be careful ladies. Don’t go and press the wrong buttons and turn them on. Girls! You can never understand them.
Popsi and Samson started ranting with furry when the incident was narrated to them. Like whatever. Who said having an old woman in the house won’t come in handy? And if you’re wondering if there was really a charm under granny’s bed. Well, there was only a bible written in our native language there.
So yep, we got robbed…. Of our end of year chores. Lol.
Until next week.