“I’m expecting someone tomorrow.” I announced on Saturday morning.
“Who?” the guys asked.
“A girl, my bae to be, her name is Elizabeth, but I call her My Lizzy, she has the sweetest voice. She’d mistakenly called My Number and we’ve been corresponding ever since. Finally, she’s coming this Sunday.”
And that’s how I cleaned the house and cleaned myself up – clean cut and shaved – pressed my clothing and dressed sleek.
Sunday reached and we all patiently waited for this visitor. Everyone now and then my phone will ring and I’ll utter directions.
“Tell the bike man to drop you at the T-junction, my house is just at the opposite side.” I gave the final direction.
Not later than 5 minutes, there was a knock on the gate. She’s finally here! My heart raced. As I start to head out, the guys went to the rooms to peep through the window.
‘Ruff! ruff!! ruff!!!’, Odin our dog raced to the gate barking. As the gate flung open to reveal what lies behind the gate, the dog stopped abruptly at the sight of the fat flushed ugly looking bared-headed albino lady, probably in her late 30s.
The dog was sore petrified.
‘Jesu! Wetin be this?’ Odin yelped, ran back to its cage, shut the door by itself and hid.
I was unsure why the big dog was running petrified with its tail behind its legs until I too saw the beast at the gate. I was shocked and dumbstruck.
“Em, please who are you?” I stuttered.
“It’s me silly. Elizabeth. Your Lizzy.”
“What? Do I know you? I don’t know nor have any Lizzy.”
“Are you not Martins?”
“Me? Martins? No oh. Walai! I’m from the north. I be hausa. I’m not Matins, my name na Suleiman, I’m even the gateman in this compound.”
“You gateman? And you can speak English like this?”
“Aunty I schooled in the north oh. It’s the condition of the country, that’s why I’m doing gateman work here oh.”
“Ah, ah. But your voice sounds like his voice.”
“Voice? My voice? You mean this voice? This is not my real voice oh. I’m having cough, that’s why I’m sounding like this. I’ve deep voice.”
“Okay, but there’s a Martins here right?”
“No oh. There’s no Martins in this place.”
“But he gave me direction to this place. He even described this house. A white storey building with 4 flats, blue aluminium roofing, back gate and brown painted fence, just the opposite side of the T-junction. This place must be it!”
“Aunty, I’ve told you, nobody like that in this compound. Even sef, it’s 2 flats that’s here, the other one is duplex. So it can’t be here.”
“Okay, wait let me call his number.”
In my mind, I was like ehn! Because my phone was right there with me in my pocket and if it rang, I’m finished.
“Wait!” I quickly stopped her from dialing the number.
“You said his name is Martins? His house is white storey building, 4 flats, blue roof, brown painted fence, opposite T-junction?”
“Oh! I remember now. I know him.”
“You know him?”
“Yes. He use to come here sometimes to meet one of my oga for this compound, oga Peter, they go to the sport center to watch ball, I know him. I know his place. It’s almost like this one. But this is not his house oh. Some people even use to mistake this house and his house too.”
“Okay, so how do I locate it?”
“Just follow your left walk straight to the end of this street, you will see another T-junction, then take a left turn and keep going, you will see the house.”
“Okay thank you very much. Sorry for the mistake. I’ll call him as I’m going.”
And that’s how Lizzy found herself trekking back to the main road under the hot sun looking for the house I claimed existed.
As she stepped out, I quickly shut the gate and put my phone in flight mode.
See her mouth like, “It’s me silly. Elizabeth. Your Lizzy.” Tufiaka! Thunder fire her mouth there.
My guys came out and laughed the hell out of me. It was the topic of discussion of every gathering we had that week.
Meanwhile, Odin our dog is still shaken by the experience. He even got sick and kept on vomiting. Poor dog. It must have been scared to the marrow. It kept giving me one kind judgmental look, like he knew it was my fault he’d to witness such a horrible sight.
PS: This is not an anti-albino post. It’s just a little bit of comedy.