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Getting Married*ish – Episode TwoReading Time: 3 Minutes


Saturdays are for weddings! Bella is a blogger, she blogs about the weddings she attends. This serie “Wedding Fever” unravels some of such weddings but with an unexpected turn of events. It is completely fictional and meant to be a comedy.


Episode Two: Item 7


Bella arrived the wedding of Sharon and Mark (Sharma) and sat under the canopy labeled ‘friends and well wishers’, which was next to the musicians canopy. She had received her invitation card few days earlier. She had double-checked to make sure she had the I.V with her and tucked it safely into her purse before leaving her home.

The party was being rocked by three local singers, singing hit songs to local bini songs. Yet these three came with mega speakers. Their terrible singing nearly blew Bella’s ear drums. You wouldn’t even hear if someone was shouting to you.

‘I don’t blame them, it’s the white people (whose marriage is usually not noisy) who gave us these speakers that I blame’, she thought to herself.

She peered through the guests already seated. It was easy for her to distinguish the “haves” and “have nots”. Been able to spot this differences was a sine qua non in her line of work.

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Like the man seated a stone throw away from her. He was undoubtedly a “have not”. She even wondered how he managed to make the guest list.

The guy just opened his mouth sleeping. Houseflies were playing volleyball over his widely opened mouth. Bella wondered how he managed to sleep with all the “noise” the musicians were emitting. Must be experience. Professional party gatecrasher. Immediately it was item 7 (refreshment), the guy just woke up. Obviously the reason he was there.

Canopy by canopy, row by row, the guests arose from their seats and approached the buffet to get served by the caterers.

Soon it got to Bella and this man’s row and they went to the buffet. Bella could overhear one of the caterer asking the man (who was ahead of her in the line) for his invitation card. When the man couldn’t tender any, he was told that the directives given to them was not to serve those without the invitation card unless they are paying for the food.

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If you see the look on the man’s face when he heard this. He started stammering.

“Em, uh-h-h-hu-hum-Huh? You say wetin?”

“Sir I can’t serve you any food here without I.V card, even if you forgot it at home, unless you are paying.”

“Make I pay first? Like how much?” He asked.

“A plate of rice is 2k, fish is 1k, meat is 1k, soft bottle drink 200, malt 500, Guilder 1k, Heineken 1.2k, etc, everything here has a price even sachet water and toothpick. If you don’t have cash, there’s POS machine here, you can pay with your ATM card.”


He almost had an heart attack. He walked back to his seat tearfully.

The idiot had intentionally left his house for the wedding on an empty stomach hoping to eat to his fullest at the wedding, as he had heard it was going to be a typical “all you can eat buffet” but didn’t come to know of the I.V condition attached. he had known earlier, he probably would have stolen someone’s I.V.

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When he couldn’t bear the hunger anymore, he went back.

“How much did you say is the toothpick and pure water (sachet water)?”

“Twenty (20) naira for sachet water and ten (10) naira per toothpick.”

“Oya, give me two toothpicks and one sachet water. Then cut 10 naira tissue paper (toilet roll) for me.”

He paid fifty naira, went back to his seat, and devoured the toothpicks and the tissue paper and wash them down with the pure water.

He must’ve really hungry.

Next time he’ll think twice before attempting to gatecrash any party so that he doesn’t end up eating leftovers, cuz na straight to psychiatric be that.

The End.
Until next week.

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