One evening, I and my friend Abraham entered a keke from the Lighthouse cinema in Warri after watching the Antman 2 movie. We occupied the backseat of the keke and the keke rider took off.
Abraham took out his phone to show me a funny video and we started laughing.
Keke Man: Wetin una dey watch?
Me: It’s Bovi performance at AY Live show. I love Bovi comedies. Personally, I believe Bovi is the most funny comedian in Nigeria. His content and articulation is superb.
Abraham: For me, it’s Basketmouth.
Keke Man: To be comedian nor easy oh. I used to be a comedian.
Abraham: Oga really? What happened? Why did you stop.
Keke Man: My brother this warri people just killed my comedy career.
Me: As as how?
Well six years ago, I was in Abuja. I and my friend went into onstage comedy. The thing about Abuja comedy show is that if your jokes is funny, people will only laugh and cheer you, but if jokes aren’t funny, they will throw expensive things at you, things like Hennessey, campari, esparanzo, st remy, shawarma, fried chicken, popcorn, pizza, etc. Even the funny comedians go dey jealous you.
You just need to enter the stage with big black waterproof bag because the things you will pack ehn, even if the organizers of the show refused to pay you, e go be like say you don blow.
Me: Serious matter?
Shuu! There was this one time, someone threw gold watch at my friend. He just caught it, kept it in his pocket and left the stage. We sold it for good money.
That’s why after the show, the audience might demand for refund if they didn’t enjoy the show because they have lost more money both in tickets and things they threw at us.
So that’s how me and my friend, we were surviving in Abuja. But as time went by, all the organizers of comedy shows in Abuja started refusing to hire us, so we decided to come to the home of comedy, Warri. Who send us?
A salon car swerve in front of the keke causing the kekeman to step on his break abruptly to prevent a collision.
Keke Man: See am! Fool!! He dey drive like ****!!! … (Sorry can’t post uncensored words here).
Warri people nor get joy oh. The first show we performed at was our last till tomorrow. When Warri people pay for comedy show, they don’t have refund in their mind, they pay to either be entertained or entertain themselves. If you talk anyhow, they go reply you anyhow. Them go just finish your career.
For Warri, if your joke is not funny, you enter one chance. What they will throw at you ehn! They finish one guy with rotten tomato, salt and pepper as if they want to use him to cook soup! I was next. They finish my body with slippers, sand, stone, sucking mango, rotten eggs, soured akamu, sand and tissue paper. One guy rushed enter the stage to empty waste bin on my body. I ran for my life oh.
My friend own na worse pass. He nor only talk joke wey nor funny but the joke vex the people on top. See the way they bombarded him with dirty boxers and pants, used condom, smelly fish water, and even tear gas. Na so I see one girl that have done like 5 abortions and even have HIV dip her hands inside her skirt, uproot her pad with bloodstain and threw it into my guy’s mouth.
Keke Man: Na when one agbero climb the stage begin pour kerosene on top my friend and another one dey come near the stage with lighter na my friend take discharge oh. And the surprising thing be say security checked the people well well for any exhibit before they entered oh, I wonder how they still fit carry all those things enter.
Abraham: But bros how you take know say that girl get HIV? And even how many abortions?
Keke Man: My friend na tell me na.
Me: How your friend take know?
Keke Man: How he take know? He taste am for the blood na!
Abraham: Ah! Bros! HIV get taste?
Keke Man: You don’t know? Person without HIV blood tastes normal, blood with HIV tastes milky while blood with AIDS tastes acidic. If you remove letter “C” from acid, nor be AIDS you go get? You think oyibo people nor know why they call am AIDS?
Me: What about the abortion?
Keke Man: My guy, leave that one. E don tay wey monkey dey stay bush. You nor go understand, bute dey show for their face.
Abraham: Oga you are still a comedian oh.
We just kept on laughing till we alighted at federal junction. Keke riders can have the bizarre of stories!
Based on “an imaginary” story. 😁